Big mistake

Minutes before a test...

Test 2. I'm listening to "The Streets" again, the edge of a cliff. I think it is a soothing feeling to hear that song, because there is a lot of truth to it. How in the world did I end up here, in Boston, at this exact moment, getting ready to take a constitutional law test? The sheer number of events that had to collude to bring me to this moment is staggering--not just those events that have happened in the past day, month, year, or even 26 years, but generations back. Sometimes I will think about that. I wrote about this a long time ago, in my New Testament class. "If my ancestors could see me now, what would they think?" I always get this image in my head of peasant laborers working some field somewhere in a remote part of China. I have no idea if that is true, as I don't know anything about my family background, but it makes me feel better about where I am in life. That somehow, I am not doing something that my ancestors would be ashamed of. I think I feel this way because this is a world that my ancestors could not have imagined. I'm trying so hard to live up to an ideal that I have built up in my head. This con law class is a small part of this dream, but I have worked really hard to understand this material. I have worked really hard, not because I just want a good grade or because I think it will lead to a better job. But because I don't want to let my ancestors down. There have been too many confluent events that have led me to this exact moment. I look around, and there are another 45 people in this room with the exact same situation. I may not be special in the way that is normally associated with the word, but I am part of a special group. I know this material. I know these cases. 200 years ago, none of them could have imagined that one of their descendants would be sitting in a classroom in Boston, learning about American law, trying to make something out of his life. In 200 years, there will be another descendant, and perhaps she will think back to this moment that I am in. Of course, she won't know of this exact moment. But I hope that she is also striving, working hard, trying to live up to the expectations I have of her. That's all I can ask of her. And that's all anybody can ask of me. 

Reflections on Paper Tigers

New York Magazine published an article yesterday called "Paper Tigers," which discussed the social and cultural barriers Asians face in American society. I have been reflecting on it today, and as I consider it, I grow increasingly puzzled about the state of my own life.

I think it begins with a brief story about high school. On August 27, 2001, I wrote an entry on my blog titled "Doctor, Lawyer, or Engineer. Always the same thing." I don't have access to what I actually wrote, but I do remember that time. It was before my senior year of high school, and I fought nearly every day with my parents about my future. They wanted me to become a respected professional with a stable job. They argued that it was the safest route to financial security, stability, and happiness.

I just wanted to be a writer. To write novels. So I resolved to finish a novel before the end of high school. The plan at the time was to finish a novel, sell it to a publishing house, and prove to my parents that I could find my own path to financial freedom before heading off to college and pursuing something I had no interest in.

Ten years after that moment, I now find myself finishing my first year of law school. I'm not entirely sure how I ended up here. I know that I enjoy it and I feel no regret. But I also know that the 17-year-old me would be disappointed with what has transpired, and I can't figure out why I care about that.

A pretty good philosophy

Something never achieved

"I left them to go to the lavatory, clear embroidered hand-towel, new soap, the bowl a frothy, disinfectant blue, a small bowl of potpourri; I noted and despised it all. On my quiet return I saw that, sitting a little apart, they had stretched their hands across the gap to each other, then, hearing my step, had quickly, almost guiltily drawn apart. That moment of delicacy, tact, perhaps even of pity, produced a second of conflicting emotions, experienced so faintly that they passed almost as soon as I recognized their nature. But I knew that what I had felt was envy and regret, not for something lost but for something never achieved." 

Pacquiao'd

A warning: don't go for a semi-serious run 12 hours after giving blood. Apparently, I'm not Wolverine.

Eating

The more important point here, though, is that the whole animal-cruelty-and-eating issue is not just complex, it’s also uncomfortable. It is, at any rate, uncomfortable for me, and for just about everyone I know who enjoys a variety of foods and yet does not want to see herself as cruel or unfeeling. As far as I can tell, my own main way of dealing with this conflict has been to avoid thinking about the whole unpleasant thing. I should add that it appears to me unlikely that many readers of gourmet wish to think hard about it, either, or to be queried about the morality of their eating habits in the pages of a culinary monthly. Since, however, the assigned subject of this article is what it was like to attend the 2003 MLF, and thus to spend several days in the midst of a great mass of Americans all eating lobster, and thus to be more or less impelled to think hard about lobster and the experience of buying and eating lobster, it turns out that there is no honest way to avoid certain moral questions.

- David Foster Wallace

http://www.gourmet.com/magazine/2000s/2004/08/consider_the_lobster

The crenellated mind

"I suppose, in old age, there is advantage in retreating into a world of one's own, but not if the place one finds is hell."
                                - P.D. James, Children of Men

Being There

About four years ago, I was told to read Jerzy Kosinski's Being There. In those four years, I moved 3 times and donated a ton of books. Yet this one always managed to retain a spot on each bookshelf variation I purchased after moving. It was also the first book I decided to read.

"Yet plants were different from people. No plant is able to think about itself or able to know itself; there is no mirror in which the plant can recognize its face; no plant can do anything intentionally: it cannot help growing, and its growth has no meaning, since a plant cannot reason or dream."

Kosinski is conflicted about ambition. Chauncey Gardiner, the main character, is a plant--no growth, no ambition, no meaning, no dreams. He simply exists, things happen to him, and because of his guileless nature, a world filled with cloying ambition reacts to him as a refreshing antidote to a cynical world.

As I read the book, I was reminded of Winston Groom's Forrest Gump, which featured a character similar to Kosinski's Gardiner. In both stories, it is aspirational to live with childlike wonder, not expecting good things to happen; instead, just letting things happen.

It is reminiscent of Buddhist philosophy, much of which is intended to control desire. It paints a sharp contrast to Coelho's idea: "When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream."

It is difficult to find balance between these two philosophies. Most would agree that Gardiner and Gump have good things happen to them precisely because they are not looking. 

However, when a lack of desire turns into a lack of motivation, there is an arguably greater risk. When do we just sit around waiting for good things to happen in our lives? 

The universe conspires

When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.

Ancestors

One of my professors recently tweeted: Sounds weird, but as exams begin, think about grandparents. Studies show parts of brain used for achievement are activated.

Years ago, I took an undergraduate religion class. I don't remember what the topic was, but as I was taking notes, I had this overwhelming thought.

I wrote: What would my ancestors think if they could see my life?

I think about that sometimes.

Life improvement #1: Being well-read

Roger Ebert is quickly becoming one of my favorite commentators on popular culture.  I just finished reading this article, which discusses the longevity of art.

At the end of the day, some authors will endure and most, including some very good ones, will not. Why do I think reading is important? It is such an effective medium between mind and mind. We think largely in words. A medium made only of words doesn't impose the barrier of any other medium. It is naked and unprotected communication. That's how you get pregnant. May you always be so.

You are what you love, not what loves you

I sometimes think about this scene.

How does this happen?

"Abbott shared a common driveway with his neighbors, Michael and Mary Scarano. The Scaranos engaged a contractor to pave their portion. Abbott obtained some asphalt from the contractor and made a doorstop to keep his garage door from swinging onto the Scaranos' property. Nicholas Scarano, who was visiting with the Scaranos, his parents, objected to Abbott's innovation. After some words between them a fist fight ensued.

"Although Abbott managed to land the first punch, with which he sent Nicholas to the ground, a jury could find Nicholas was the aggressor. At this point Michael Scarano came at Abbott with a hatchet...

"Mary Scarano followed, armed with a carving knife and large fork...

"The end result was that all of the Scaranos were hit by the hatchet."

174 A.2d 881

Red Satin

I wrote this in 2003. It reminded me of a time when I wanted to be a writer. I was at a piano recital.

Red Satin

The notes came softly at first,
yet few strained to hear their
beauty.

The man with the curly
moustache, eloquently dressed.
But I could see the drool
slowly leaking on his shoulder
as he traversed his dreams.

The young child, too young
to understand. So she fidgets
in her seat, seeking attention.
And mother takes her outside,
away from beauty.

But you continued, setting
hammer on string.
Then, I could see
the red satin of your dress
moving with the
rhythmic beats of beauty

that you were creating.
All I could do was stare,
understanding for the first time
that science was wrong
about life.

Because as you neared the
end of nocturne,
I will swear for the rest of my life
that I saw Red Satin come alive,
dancing and rejoicing.

And when the final note spoke
no more, Red Satin once again
was just red satin on a pretty dress.

tUnE-yArDs

I had a big paper due today. This music got me through the last two days.

My Sons - Taken by Trees / My Girls - Animal Collective

I first encountered Animal Collective as a junior in college, and my initial reaction was not positive. It was their album Sung Tongs, and as the first song began playing, I thought, "What is this nonsense? Why the high rating on Metacritic?"

Fast forward 3 years later, when I was meeting my new roommate. In our first conversation, he told me that he was a musician. I love music, I replied, and asked what music he liked listening to. My all-time favorite band is Animal Collective, he said.

Oh. They're ok, I guess. 

He looked me in the eye and said they were the best band. And then he played Fireworks for me. 

That was when I became a convert.

Today's cover is the Taken by Trees version of "My Girls" by Animal Collective. 

There isn't much that I feel I need
A solid soul and the blood I bleed
With a little girl, and by my spouse
I only want a proper house

I don't care for fancy things
Or to take part in the vicious race
But to provide for mine who ask
I will, with heart, on my father's grave

I don't mean to seem like I care about material things
Like our social status
I just want four walls and adobe slats for my girls

What is happening in my life?

I sometimes ask myself, "What is happening in my life?"

It is usually a joke intended to punctuate the absurdity of a situation I find myself experiencing. However, there are times when I really mean it. Like right now, where I think I'm a little overwhelmed.

Bluebird - Charles Bukowski

Charles Bukowski is one of my favorite poets. A lot of his poems are featured in The Writer's Almanac. I used to teach his writing--I think that many of my students liked him because he was easy to understand, yet his ideas could sustain a discussion for an entire period. His poems were always a great introduction to poetry, especially to students who hated poetry.

My Heart Will Go On - Eläkeläiset

This song needs no introduction. The band, Eläkeläiset, is from Finland. They specialize in Polka, and who can resist Celine Dion and polka together?

"He says American forces use us like a tissue. I feel the same thing."

On my walk home tonight, I heard the second half of a This American Life episode about Sarah, an Iraqi woman who became a translator for the U.S. military. I was really struck by this part of the story, when Sarah talks about the danger of her job and the weight of guilt and responsibility she felt.

[A source] told Sarah the militias had a nickname for Sarah: The Lion.

One day the woman's husband called Sarah and said, "They came and took her. Militia leaders took her."

[Sarah]: "I know the militias. They are savage and they torture everyone. They don't care about a woman, or a kid, or anything. And I felt guilt. I thought maybe I am the reason for what she will suffer from. I just wanted to take her back to her kids and so I was crazy, talking, crying, begging the [U.S.] captain to find any way to go and try to find her."

...

We moved from house to house, all the houses were empty. We spent maybe two days searching for her. Then her husband called me and said, "Hey Sarah, they called us and they said 'We killed her.'" 

[Sarah]: "Every time I remember her, I really said 'She was the lion, not me. I'm not the lion. She was the lion.'"

Why don't you dance?

There is a new movie coming out starring Will Ferrell called Everything Must Go.  It is based on a story by one of my favorite writers, Raymond Carver. An excerpt:     

      They got out of the car and began to examine things, the girl touching the muslin cloth, the boy plugging in the blender and turning the dial to MINCE, the girl picking up a chafing dish, the boy turning on the television set and making little adjustments.
      He sat down on the sofa to watch. He lit a cigarette, looked around, flipped the match into the grass.
      The girl sat on the bed. She pushed off her shoes and lay back. She thought she could see a star.
      "Come here, Jack. Try this bed. Bring one of those pillows," she said.
      "How is it?" he said.
      "Try it," she said.
      He looked around. The house was dark.
      "I feel funny," he said. "Better see if anybody's home."
      She bounced on the bed.
      "Try it first," she said.
      He lay down on the bed and put the pillow under his head.
      "How does it feel?" she said.
      "It feels firm," he said.
      She turned on her side and put her hand to his face.
      "Kiss me," she said.
      "Let's get up," he said.
      "Kiss me," she said.
      She closed her eyes. She held him.
      He said, "I'll see if anybody's home."
      But he just sat up and stayed where he was, making believe he was watching the television.
      Lights came on in the houses up and down the street.
      "Wouldn't it be funny if," the girl said and grinned and didn't finish.

 Full story: http://www.nasonart.com/personal/lifelessons/WhyDon'tYouDance.html

Roscoe - Midlake

I like good covers. Here, the original is "Roscoe" by Midlake, from the album The Trials of Van Occupanther. The cover artist is Ellie Goulding.

Young Michelin - Les Copains

I like this song a lot. It reminds me of Ratatat.

Beauty

 From the Huffington Post:

I believe that each of us perceives each person they meet as beautiful or not because of a combination of physical and mental factors. It is my contention that certain negative characteristics of one's personality can actually make that person less attractive and less physically appealing. It is not as though they grow warts or actually change their physical characteristics, but their appearance is diminished by their bad behavior, and their beauty decreases in your mind. 

Broadcast commentators

Did you know that Glenn Beck has a university? 

Source: http://www.theatlanticwire.com/entertainment/2011/04/glenn-beck/36479/

Procrastination

I read the New Yorker when I brush my teeth. I was reading a section about Barry Michels, a Jungian therapist who works with writers in the entertainment industry. I initially thought this quote was indecipherable. But after some thought, I'm going to try it when I start wasting time.

He gives procrastinators a tool he calls the Arbitrary Use of Time Moment, which asks them to sit in front of their computers for a fixed amount of time each day. “You say, ‘I’m surrendering myself to the archetypal Father, Chronos,’ ” he says. ‘I’m surrendering to him because he has hegemony over me.’ That submission activates something inside someone. In the simplest terms, it gets people to get their ass in the chair.” For the truly unproductive, he sets the initial period at ten minutes—“an amount of time it would sort of embarrass them not to be able to do.”

Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/03/21/110321fa_fact_goodyear#ixzz1IuAySNGP

So much drama in my life

Very Tough Love

I listen to This American Life every morning while I walk to school.  Half an episode there, half an episode back. This is a good one, but it made me upset.

The Saddest Lines

There are times when I need to commiserate with another person's sadness.  Last week, I was reading poetry when I came across some Pablo Neruda. Reading it made me so sad, but it led into one of the best weeks.

Tonight I Can Write

Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

If I had a crush

I made this playlist recently. I gave away a few copies on CD; they liked it.

Holy Ghost!

Hype Machine is streaming the new album from Holy Ghost.

The embed isn't working, so you can find it here: http://hypem.com/#!/artist/Holy%20Ghost

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks

I think the accordion makes this band awesome.